Friday, August 1, 2008

Bachelor Monks

I've revived the Bachelor Monks and updated the creed. Here's a trancript of the redacted document.

Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be known among the Powers of the Earth, that [Maximilian Damacion Wilson], on this day [Dec. 17] in the year nineteen-hundred and ninety-six does, in the act of enlistment against the forces of evil as a Brother of the Secular Society of Bachelor Monks, vow as a free agent upon his honor to uphold the following standards and ideals:

A Bachelor Monk must remain emotionally celibate. It is forbidden for a Bachelor Monk to entertain more than a superficial affection for any female under the age of decrepitude and decay (twenty-nine years, eleven months, twenty-seven days), after which the point becomes academic. Violations of this law require that the transgressor wear a pink, red, or purple heart, cut from construction paper or similar material, pinned to his breast as a badge of his shame.

A Bachelor Monk must remain aesthetically pure. It is not permitted for a Bachelor Monk to gaze upon the female countenance for more than a few moments at a time, for fear that such loveliness will corrupt the perfect abstraction of beauty which he carries within his bosom. Infractions shall be punished by a shout of "Cooties!" and the appellation of "cootie-head," by which said Monk shall be known for a period of seven hours.

All Brothers of the Secular Society must renounce the harmful and archaic institutions of society, specifically the great social ill which masquerades under the seemingly-innocuous label of "dating." We of the Brotherhood know, or are at least pretty sure, that dating—and its accomplice in evil, marriage—is probably the great and abominable church which is spoken of in the book of Revelation, which shall hold sway over all the world, and that it is the very root of all evil in the world—including death, taxes, and small children. In the event that a Brother shall assist a maiden in the commission of such heinous folly as going on a "date," he shall be fined an amount equal to one-half the expenses incurred by his crime, which said monies shall flow into the Brotherhood coffers to be disposed of in a manner decided by the Chief Abbot (or by the most senior member of the Brotherhood available).

A Bachelor Monk is permitted to propose marriage to a young woman, in whatsoever manner as he shall feel acceptable and shall strike his fancy. He is not, however, under any circumstances permitted to follow through on such offers. A Bachelor Monk must remain forever single, although he may have as many fiancées at one time as he can conceal from all the others. (As a sole exception to this rule, a Bachelor Monk is permitted to elope with a damsel, provided that she is not engaged to him at the time, provided that there is potential for great financial gain on the part of the Monk or the Brotherhood, provided that the damsel is terminally ill or that the marriage is otherwise projected to last no longer than six weeks.) Any Brother who violates this law shall not be punished by the order, as the mere fact of marriage to a woman is considered to bring agony (and ecstasy) enough.

In addition to the provisos mentioned above, a Brother of the Secular Society of Bachelor Monks is likewise prohibited from stalking, kissing, courting, ogling, drooling on or over, obsessing about, or "macking on" any and all young ladies he shall come in contact with. Finally, a Bachelor Monk is not permitted to have his mother do his laundry for him. Infractions shall be punished as the Chief Abbot sees fit.

I, [Max Wilson], do hereby swear upon my honor to uphold from this day forth the ideals of my order as set forth in this document*, to accept any punishments I shall merit gracefully and without cowardice, and to slavishly obey my Chief Abbot's every command.


[Max Wilson]


* With the understanding that none of the above restrictions applies to any female who fits the Glass Slipper.

 We solemnly swear that we have seen and witnessed the oath which was sworn by [Max Wilson], on this day [12-17-96] of the year nineteen-hundred and ninety-six, and do bear testimony that he was indeed coherent and whole of mind at the time of signature.

[David Wynder, 12/17/96]

[Gina Smith, 12/17/96]

[Joe Stevick, 12/17/96]

[Margo Runyon, 12/17/96]

"The presentation or 'gift' of the Holy Ghost simply confers upon a man the right to receive at any time, when he is worthy of it and desires it, the power and light of truth of the Holy Ghost, although he may often be left to his own spirit and judgment." --Joseph F. Smith (manual, p. 69)

Be pretty if you are,
Be witty if you can,
But be cheerful if it kills you.

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