Sunday, July 21, 2013

"Where babies come from"

Whenever I eventually have to give my kids the "where babies come from" talk, I plan on giving them the full scientific treatment. The discussion will include words such as "chromosome," "ovipositor," "meiosis", "fission," and "spermacyte." There will be a brief discussion on alternatives to mammalian fertilization techniques, including ovuliparity (external fertilization, as in fish), oviparity (internal fertilization but egg-laying, as in birds), and viviparity (internal fertilization, as in mammals).

Then I will simply say, off-handedly, "humans are a hemotrophic viviparous species like most other mammals," and refer them to textbooks for further details.

My kids will know so much about sex that they'll view it as boring stuff for old people only.

'My dad said a penis is kind of like a mammalian ovipositor for males, except instead of a rotting tree, the host is a female of the same species, and fecundation occurs after implantation instead of before. Yech. Oh yeah, and there's some kind of pleasure stimulus involved.'

Deck thyself now with majesty and excellency; and array thyself with glory and beauty.
Cast abroad the rage of thy wrath: and behold every one that is proud, and abase him.
Look on every one that is proud, and bring him low; and tread down the wicked in their place.
Hide them in the dust together; and bind their faces in secret.
Then will I also confess unto thee that thine own right hand can save thee.

I could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved I not Honor more.

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